Mission Top Secret
by melktert
Summary: What does Hermione Weasely-Granger, Minister of Magic do when she gets pissed?...She gets creative! Femslash!
1. Chapter 1

**Ladies and Gentlemen! I know I know I am starting a new story! But this one isn't only mine for this one I have a lovely co-writer! So please be kind to me and Fumes43! She found this story that was a reply to the calendar challenge and we just couldn't let the idea go. So we decided to give it a try. Please tell us yea or nay?**

**Here is the original chalange as chalanged by Shpinxey:)**

I wrote this challenge after seeing 'Calendar Girls' for the second time, and having written down some interesting lines that I thought could be related to Harry Potter. It was nearly midnight at the time, so please excuse any mistakes.

The Calendar Challenge:

I challenge anyone interested to write a Hogwarts version of Calendar Girls. It must include a nude calendar and the following characters and plot devices:

McGonagall, Hermione, Ginny, Trelawny, Sprout and Pomfrey must all feature in the calendar.

McGonagall must either be with, or have been with Dumbledore.

An international tea tray competition must be held.

These lines must feature:

"I had no idea broccoli could be so intriguing."

"Now, can anyone see my nipples?"

"That's easy to say when you've got your knickers on!"

"I'm (however many) years old. If I'm not gona get 'em out now, when am I?"

"We're going to need considerably bigger buns."

"Don't tell me, someone's grown a u shaped marrow!"

Feel free to adjust any words to make them more appropriate, but please keep the gist the same.

Extra points if you include:

"No matter what you think of the idea, you're looking at January!"

"Bra's off to avoid strap marks."

"Dumbledore didn't see me naked until the spring of '56." Said McGonagall. "What happened in the spring of '56?" asked (insert name). "There was a newt in the shower bucket at (insert place here)." replied McGonagall

"And the carrot?"

"And here is (insert name) to lead us through the world of rugs." She pauses to listen to the person next to her. "No, I stand corrected; it's on all forms of carpeting."

"Thank god," said Hermione, "I thought it might be boring."

"You're nude in the (insert paper) dear."

"One minute the dressing gown was on, the next it was just me and the hat!"

"10 grams of oregano. The only thing that'd be dangerous in is a quiche!"

"It's no big deal. We've all got the same bits, just in different sizes."

"I know for a fact that (insert name)'s coming from (insert place) with their collection of tea towels."

They must raise somewhere in the region of six hundred thousand galleons.

**So people here is what he have so far, hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Alexander looked at his boss's door a little fearfully. The French Minister of Magic had left a few seconds earlier. Experience told him that whenever the old coot left his boss was in a terrible mood. He was still debating with himself when she came out of her office. 'Good afternoon Minister.'

Hermione didn't even hear her assistant, she was so enraged at the French Minister! 'The bloody old bastard! Uptight? He calls me uptight! I'll Bloody show him uptight!' Hermione mumbled under her breath.

Alexander sat back down. He knew this pattern. Hermione was now heading home where her wife would more than likely get very lucky. He sighed Ginny sure was a lucky woman. He scribbled a quick note and tied it to one of the ever present owls. This way Ginny would know to get home if she wasn't already. Apparently she didn't mind the old coots visits. She seemed to even look forward to the visits! 'Go and find Ginny.'

* * *

Hermione was in her home office and she was still fuming. Every time, every time it was the same thing with François! He would say how everything the British did was uptight and that the French could not only do it better, but that they would do it with more style! And this time he had gone too far. 'I will find a way to throw that statement back in his face! But what to do?' Hermione sat back in her chair and glared at the opposite wall. The wall had some family picture's and a gift her girls had given her. They gave her one of those every year. A muggle calendar, it had started as a joke, but somehow it had morphed into tradition. This year's calendar was Jane through and through. Quidditch the whole way. Hermione's mood started lifting as she thought about her girls and some of their more silly traditions. Then it her, she knew exactly what she would do to get back at the old bastard! She leaned back her hands behind her head grinning like the cat that got the canary. 'Oh this is going to be so good!'

* * *

When the poor owl did finally find Ginny it nearly got knocked to the ground. Trying to deliver mail to a Quidditch player really was hazardous work! Luckily Ginny saw him at the last second and narrowly avoided a collision. 'Well hello there little one are you nuts?' Ginny stopped and waited for the owl to catch up and hop onto her outstretched arm. 'You must be pretty new. Its fine to wait until we are done.' Ginny scratched the owls head lightly then untied the note. 'I don't have anything with me, maybe next time. Now of you go.' The owl took off as Ginny glanced at the note then started to grin. _Alexander? This can only mean one thing!_

**Hello Ginny**

**Hermione just had another visit from the French Minister. She is in a really bad mood. Advice you return home as soon as you can.**

**All the best**

**Alexander**

Ginny headed for their trainer. 'Hey Gwenog I have to go, I am needed elsewhere.'

Gwenog Jones eyed her suspiciously, but then she shrugged. Ginny had always been one of her best players. Also on of the few that worked really hard in every practise no matter what. 'Get back here if you have time otherwise see you next practise.'

'Thanks will do.' With that done Ginny hotfooted it in direction home. There was one very pissed off Hermione to calm down! Oooh and how she loved Hermione that way! Oh yes she did.

* * *

Hermione was furiously scribbling notes. She already had a clear outline for her secret project! Now she needed a venue and a little help in getting the right people involved. So she was writing to Minerva McGonagall. She was sure that McGonagall would be more than willing to help. And with luck she would have help and a venue! She looked up when she heard her door open. 'I was wondering when you would show up.'

Ginny grinned as she slowly walked up to Hermione's desk. 'Oh have you now?'

Hermione put down her quill. 'Oh yes, very much so.'

'And why is that Minister?' Ginny tried to sound innocent, failing all the way.

'Because I need your hot hot body.' Hermione said huskily, and it was true she did, on so many different levels. 'I finally figured out how to flip that French bastard the bird.'

Ginny arched an eyebrow. 'You have?'

'Yes, and I need you to help me make a success of it!' Hermione said, this idea was so good she was getting all excited! And she knew without a doubt that Ginny could help her with that!

Ginny grinned. 'Whatever you need love, you know I always have your back.'

'Mhhh that's good to know, I didn't know how you would react to posing in a nude calendar, but as you seem to be game. I guess I really only have to send this letter and the ball will be rolling. I mean it is no big deal! We all have the same bits, just in different sizes!' Hermione husked trying to pull Ginny closer. She really really wanted to kiss Ginny! She had such a sexy mouth and could do such wonderful things with said mouth!

Ginny felt her mouth drop open. _Did Hermione just say pose in a nude calendar as in she was going to pose in a nude calendar? As in a calendar without clothes? As in naked? And who was we? _'Wait...hold on...what?'

* * *

** So i wanted to write something sweet and nice saying how Melktert is a great writer and I'm just taggig along but I'm not allowed... So here is the new and (not so) improved version "Let us know what you think :)"**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey there to anybody reading this! I hope you like this chapter and I am going to try and keep the story going. But any reviews you are kind enough to send me will be sure to aid me in that;) Enjoy:)**

**G love the teaser at the end...love it, but what a way to make my life harder;);)  
**

* * *

Minerva was a little startled when an owl hopped right onto her desk. She sighed. _Just__what__I__need,__more__paperwork!__Dominique__is__going__to__kill__me!_'Or maybe not' Minerva grinned when she saw who the letter was from. It had been a while since she had the pleasure of talking to Hermione and Ginny. Ever since Jane left Hogwarts their visits had decreased drastically. Oh how she missed them sometimes.

**Dear Minerva**

**I am writing you to ask a favour and at the same time make you an offer. I do hope you will take it better that Ginny.**

Minerva frowned, Ginny and Hermione not seeing eye to eye with each other? Now that was a novel and new idea.

**As you know I have always had...issues with the French Minister of Magic, and after another stunt from his side today I think I have finally found the perfect way to throw all his inane veiled remarks in his face and make him eat crow dung!**

Minerva chuckled, oh she knew all about the French Minister, he had a way of pissing of quite a few people she knew, her mate being one. Although Dominique's way of handling things was always very satisfactory to her. _Mhhhh__and__how!__She__is__like__a__witch__possessed__after__a__meeting__with__him!__Poor__Poppy._

**Now comes the offer, I always like to open any negotiation with my offer then ask my favour. So I am offering Hogwarts a way of getting its name into even more wizarding households. Now you will be thinking you don't need that as Hogwarts is famous as is, but it never hurts now does it?**

**Now for what I need… I need a venue for a photo shoot and I need you. And when I say you I mean you without a stitch of clothing. You see we are going to make the wizarding world's first nude calendar. Oh and of course we would love it if Dominique would help out as well.**

**Think it over and let me know.**

**Hermione,**

Minerva guffawed partly in shock and partly at the absurdity of the idea. 'Have you gone and lost your mind Hermione?'

'I don't know, has she?' Dominique chuckled when Minerva jumped at her voice.

Minerva scowled as she turned towards Dominique. 'Are you trying to send me to an even earlier grave?'

Dominique lent in and kissed Minerva soundly. 'Never! Now tell me what Hermione has done to get your attention?'

Minerva handed Dominique the letter. 'Why don't you see for yourself.'

Dominique raised an eyebrow, took the letter and started to read. After a few moments she started laughing. 'Oh Merlin the woman is brilliant! That will shut that old bastard up once and for all!'

Minerva's jaw almost hit the floor. 'You cannot be serious!'

'Of course I am, it's a brilliant idea! And it will also raise a lot of Galleons.' Dominique said easily, she was after all a Veela and things like nudity never bothered her much.

'But...but...it's a nude calendar!' Minerva sputtered.

Dominique pursed her lips to keep from laughing. 'I am perfectly aware of that, but seriously love I am 59 years old. If I'm not going to pack them out now, when will I?' Dominique said while motioning to her breasts.

Minerva dumbly stared at Dominique. 'I think you both have gone of your rockers! Completely insane!'

'Not at all Min, we just have had to deal with that old bastard for too many years and had to listen to too many insults to let a little something like nudity stand in our way of sticking him one where the sun don't shine.' Dominique said calm as you can as she sat down to reply to Hermione's letter. 'So When can I tell her to come by to discuss the details?' Dominique lanced at Minerva and found her gaping her at her as if she were green or something similar. So she shrugged and wrote down when she thought it was best.

'But...naked...no clothes...'

* * *

_Right there and then something happened that no one in the wizarding world would have dared to guess, both Ginny and Minerva stumped by their partners._

_**For the Next chapter perhaps? **_

_Dominique and Hermione met a little earlier without their wives at first both thinking it would be better to leave them muse over the idea and getting used to it. 'Do tell Hermione, how did you convince Ginny to join?' Dominique said with a hint of mirth in her voice._

_Her answer was a suggestive wiggle of the eyebrows 'Now now Dominique, as if you have to ask me that' eyeing the love bite on the Veela's neck. Hermione smirked, that was 1-0 for her. _

_Dominique smiled sheepishly, normally she wouldn't bat an eye but after what they had done last night woooheee Minerva was right riled up. Hermione caught the blush and this only made her grin even more, 'who would have thought Minerva was a wildcat!' Causing them both to laugh. _

'_And when you speak of the devil…' _

_Both Minerva and Ginny came walking in Rosemarta's pub rather stiffly. _

_Hermione and Dominique shared a look, oh they were going to enjoy this! Teasing Ginny and Minerva was a priceless added bonus. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey everyone. So I hope you all had great holidays, and lots of fun;) I sure have! And just to get you all a little bit happy as we kick of with the new year here is another chapter for you. Please let me know what you think? **

**And G I miss you're spoiler at the end...how am I supossed to know where to go with the story now;) luv yea  
**

* * *

Dominique and Hermione met a little earlier without their wives at first both thinking it would be better to leave them muse over the idea and getting used to it. 'Do tell Hermione, how did you convince Ginny to join?' Dominique said with a hint of mirth in her voice.

Her answer was a suggestive wiggle of the eyebrows 'Now now Dominique, as if you have to ask me that' eyeing the love bite on the Veela's neck. Hermione smirked, that was 1-0 for her.

Dominique smiled sheepishly, normally she wouldn't bat an eye but after what they had done last night woooheee Minerva was right riled up. Hermione caught the blush and this only made her grin even more, 'who would have thought Minerva was a wildcat!' Causing them both to laugh.

'And when you speak of the devil…'

Both Minerva and Ginny came walking in Rosemarta's pub rather stiffly.

Hermione and Dominique shared a look, oh they were going to enjoy this! Teasing Ginny and Minerva was a priceless added bonus.

* * *

Ginny was still not exactly sure how or exactly when she had agreed to participate in Hermione's plan, but she had. And now she was at Rosemarta's to face the music. 'How do I always end up in situations like this?'

Minerva who had arrived only seconds after Ginny heard the last bit and snorted loudly. 'Because Ginny your wife is an evil wench whom my wife loves to pieces.'

Ginny laughed helplessly. That summed things up pretty well. 'And we are both absolutely besotted with our wives.'

'Now there we are in complete agreement.' Minerva put her arm around Ginny. 'Though that doesn't mean we can't have certain clauses in our final agreement to partake in this insanity.'

Seeing the glint in Minerva's eyes, Ginny cocked an eyebrow and grinned. 'Oh do tell me more?'

* * *

Lizzy Weasley-Granger looked up startled from her work. Sometimes she really did get completely absorbed in her work. 'Well hello there.' She took out an owl treat and as the owl wolfed it down untied the letter from its leg. When the owl took of immediately she shrugged. _Guess it's not urgent._

**Hey Love**

**I got the weirdest letter from your parents earlier. I think your mum is up to something. And from the sound of it she wants our help. I don't know love, it all sounds very suspicious. But in any case we were invited to gather at Hogwart's later at lunch time.**

**Will you be there? Or should I simply inform you later on what it's about?**

**Love you**

**D**

'Oh boy.' Lizzy sighed. Sometimes her mum did come up with the weirdest things. And everyone always thought it was her mama. It always peeved her mama to no end. _But she never sets them straight either. Still act like teenagers in love sometimes. _The thought made her grin. She was definitely going to be there. Whatever it was about it was bound to be interesting.

* * *

Diane shifted in her chair uncomfortably, Liz was late. But then that was nothing new. She smiled softly the woman could infuriate her, but boy did she love her! She took the time to look around the room and frowned. It was quite an interesting group there, and all women? 'Oh this is going to be bad.'

Lizzy lent don and kissed the top of Diane's head. 'I was thinking more along the lines of very interesting myself.' She sat down on the seat next to Diane and looked around herself. 'Or maybe your assessment is more accurate.'

Diane shook her head, sometimes she really didn't know what to do with her wife. 'Hello love. How are you?' She said pointedly.

Lizzy had the good grace to turn bright red. 'Sorry. Hi I missed you.'

Diane shook her head but grinned at the same time. 'Missed you too. So you really don't have any idea what this is all about?'

'Not a one.' Lizzy shook her head then grinned as she saw her parents walk in closely followed by Dominique and Professor McGonagall. She observed them for a minute or so then frowned. Her mum and Dominique were both looking less than happy. They actually looked a little startled. On the other hand the Professor and her mama looked happy as two peas in a pod. _I wonder what that's about? _'Well I think we are about to find out.'

'So it would seem yes.'

* * *

Hermione took the seat in the middle of the table set up at the front of the room they were using. She was flanked by Ginny and Minerva. She took a look around the room to see who had showed up in the end. _Not bad, everyone showed up. Now to see if they will all be willing to help with this little endeavour. _'Hello everyone.' She waited as everyone gave their own greeting in one big uproar. 'I am sure that you are all wondering why I asked you all to be here today?' At the nods she grinned.

Dominique Grinned at Hermione as she got up. Now it was her turn. 'As a few of you know myself and Hermione very often have to deal with less than savoury characters in our line of work. But the worst of them is the French Minister of Magic. And after many years of putting up with the old letch Hermione has come up with an idea that will shut him up for a very long time.'

'Now granted my idea is a little on the risqué side, but I think it will be a masterpiece by the time we are done.' Hermione smoothed into it a little.

Poppy Pomphry grunted, why did people never just get to the point. 'Oh just get on with it Miss Granger!'

Hermione looked at her startled then just grinned. Maybe she should just get on with it. Rip the bandage of in one go. 'As you wish Madam Pomphry. The Minister always likes to point out how stuck up and prudish we English are. So I say let's show him just who is the prudish and stuck ones are.' Taking another look around the table and the room. She took a deep breath. 'I propose we make a Nude Calendar.' She didn't get further as the room exploded in one big cacophony of noise.

Dominique frowned, well that was not exactly what they had expected. _This is utter chaos! What is it with people and nudity?_

Hermione's heart started to sink, most of the faces were looking at her in complete astonished unbelief. _Oh bugger it to Sunday and back!_

Above the noise there suddenly came a load and clear voice that made everyone snap their mouths shut in shear surprise. 'No matter what you think of the idea, you're looking at January!'

Hermione's eyes were big as saucers. _Who in the name of Merlin invited...Trelawney?_


End file.
